This isn't anything like my usual posts on here. But, seeing as I haven't posted anything in almost a year, I feel as if I have an opportunity to live up to this blog's name. So, what's on my mind?
I'm a really big fan of war games. More than that, I've always been a fan of the simulation aspect of war games. There's something about an attention to detail, not just in terms of mechanics but in the literal attention that is required from the player, that intrigues me. Sadly, like plenty other interests, I suffer from a severe lack of experience in the medium. I also suffer from a lack of skill. They're related, but not like you think.
A big issue of mine is "putting your money where your mouth is". Although I will spill buckets from my mouth about a given topic, or how much I enjoy thinking about that topic, or what I'd like to do within that medium, rarely do I actually live up to this standard. It's not a standard at all, really—simply describing who I am or would want to be—but it's nonetheless frustrating. Want to role-play as a particular character in an RPG? Good luck getting me to maintain the illusion for very long. How about sticking to a rule set or immersing yourself into a book / game / other medium? Better outcomes, in bursts, while suffering the same degradation in the long-term. Maybe you should write an adventure, or run a campaign, or start writing in a routine again! Doesn't that sound great?
...Yeah, about that...
My point is that it upsets me. I could spend centuries trying to rationalize why it happens or where it comes from (my ADHD diagnosis last year notwithstanding), but ultimately I don't think that matters. Who cares where it comes from? I've had to deal with this sort of thing since childhood, medication hasn't magically fixed the problem, and I've obviously not uncovered a good coping mechanism for it.
Yet in spite of these very real feelings, I continue to play war games. I still play RTS games, I still get upset at simulators, and still do I daydream about the various scenarios that I could craft, re-enact, or run for others. For myself as well, of course, but this feels like it falls into a bucket similar to writing: I have so many ideas, and so much more that I'd like to do with them.
Why do I bring any of this up? For one, because I can, but also because I've spent much of my waking time this year trying to not do nothing and still failing. I could go back several years and argue the same, but screw that noise. I bring this up because there's only one good reason.
I Want Control Change
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| Mucho Texto, enjoy some compensation Art by Fishiibo |
Now ain't that something we've all heard before?
Change is a complicated topic. It isn't instantaneous, by which I mean that change is a gradual process, rather than an immediate shift in being, but it seems anytime I see change referred to it's spoken of as if it were immediate. Whether in fiction or non-fiction, I often find change described as both a catalyst and as the sum of its parts. What I mean by that is the "spark", the "moment of change", is always given the honor of being 'the moment things changed.' That past tense is very important to me. Why? Because it wasn't the moment of realization that made things different—it was the aftermath.
I realize that this is ridiculous, unnecessarily pedantic, and even plain stupid, but hear me out for a second. "Change" as we often describe it, on an individual level, is nothing more than an idea. It is a thought, a light bulb, an 'aha!' which informs our actions. But it isn't the idea that actually changes things, is it? Outside of fiction, where a character's written thoughts directly affect their next move—you would drown if you took a shot for every work whose protagonist suddenly refused to defeat their villain in the final battle—'what we think' can hardly be rephrased as 'what we do'. Because that would be ridiculous, no? If judgements were carried out based on people's thoughts rather than their deeds, not on action but on word, mental word, wouldn't we be in a whole heap of shit? That means it isn't our thoughts that change the world, but our actions. I can think of all sorts of philanthropic shit to do, but if I never actually do any of it, I might as well have never brought it up.
Maybe I'm just nitpicking. I could be making a mountain out of a mole hill, one that only I care about, but what speaks to me is how appropriate it is. I have spent years now trying to formulate a schedule for myself, desperately trying to design and then follow a routine which works for me. I have tried planners, timers, and reward systems. I have tried setting breaks, crafting personalized deadlines, and daily goals. I have tried damn-well everything to what seems like zero effect...
...and yet I've changed, haven't I? In many ways I'm still the same, yes; I still hold many of the same struggles as years prior, but there are places where I have changed. There are differences in my thoughts and in my actions, things which may not have been intentional, but were nonetheless adopted in my struggle to achieve other goals. I never noticed these things they were a part of me.
Things change gradually, but is it always so secret?
I wonder what it feels like to be somebody else. In living their life, which decisions are easy or hard? What does it feel like to sit down and do something? To decide that there are things which must be done and tasks which must be met? What are their habits like? Are their routines always a conscious decision, a meticulously placed puzzle piece, or do they simply carry themselves to do it? Muscle memory is one thing, but what about the mind? Do they feel the draw to dissociate, to stare into space? Do they heed the call of the void?
I can ask these questions forever. I know because I have, in drafts far older than this one, which will probably never see the light of day. Part of why I would like to be different through posting this one is my desire to break this cycle. I want to put my money where my mouth is, I want to follow my own advice. Yet every time I try to crack down on these issue they sprout right back up, like dandelions.
I know better than to desire "change". Change as an object, as a kind of particle, is useless. It's worse than useless, namely because change alone doesn't do anything. Change requires an intention. More than that, change requires a will behind it, because real change does not come from the idea, but rather the desire to make that idea a reality.
This might all be obvious. I am aware of that, but awareness alone isn't going to cut it.
Esprit de Corps
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| I don't want things to be easier, I want it to be fair Artist Unknown |
In the tireless fight to get my shit together, one thing that I have become increasingly aware of is that I have basically zero support network when it comes to making art. I have friends, hell, I have artistic friends, not to mention being part of all manner of online creative communities... so it seems extra weird that I don't interact with any of them. I've tried to make a conscious effort to be involved in these sorts of things, y'know, engaging with other people's work and sharing your own, but for some reason it's always a goddamn struggle. Why is that?
Maybe it's a lack of praise? I would think not, since I've argued before about the balancing act between making art for yourself and making art for others, but I also wouldn't put it past me. A lack of attention? Similar concept, but I do rarely feel the need to share stuff that I should want to share, and that definitely wasn't always the case.
I don't even TALK about what I might be working on.
I'm still trying to figure this one out. I'm trying to figure all of these out, honestly, but I like to assume the best of people. Solving these problems shouldn't include a blaming game.
Boulder Up A Hill
One must imagine Sisyphus happy. I sure do, because if he can make the most out of literal hell, then maybe I'm not too screwed. As I've mentioned in parts scattered throughout this post, I am not a very big fan of the endless two-way cycle. Either I try to stick to a routine, pushing myself and failing to establish a cycle of things I enjoy (or claim to enjoy) doing, or I don't. Choosing not to attempt a cycle leads to either figuring things out on a day-by-day basis, which I am objectively terrible at, or a worsening of my mental health. Why does my mental health worsen? Because I'm not trying to figure my shit out, of course!
Is there really a 'shit' to figure out, though? Arguably, yes, but it's certainly not some ten-step plan or yellow brick road. There is no one true path to success, and by no means do I have any delusions of grandeur about that, but that still means that I can try to develop a cycle which works for me.
I haven't made much progress.
But that's why I am writing this! Sure, writing it has been largely a stream of consciousness over the course of four hours. Yeah, I desperately want to delete whole paragraphs in search of the perfect word, or I could delete everything and pretend like this article never existed. It doesn't affect anyone else that I do these things, only me, but it makes things difficult. irritatingly difficult.
I could stare at this page for another four hours and find another dozen unrelated topics to ramble about. Would that be a good idea? I don't know, but maybe it would be therapeutic. I could also leave it until tomorrow, to which I say that that's a bad idea, since I know that I would delete this draft the moment I remember it exists.
I don't know if the person I wake up as is the same as the person who went to bed. I'd like to imagine it isn't, though, because that means that I actually have the capacity to change my mind about something. Even if I'm not aware of it, maybe one of these days a version of me will forget about one of their bad quirks, and a more desirable one will slither into its place. That requires that I still put in the work, though, both as this new person and who I am now.
I think that I can do the right thing. For my sake, I have to believe it.
In Unrelated News
Howdy! Like said, definitely an unorthodox post. Good chance you skipped this in its entirety, or you skipped to the end, to which I say that I don't blame you! Life is hard enough as it is without some internet stranger airing their dirty laundry in your face. If you did read to the end of this post though, hello there! Also, thank you. I appreciate your commitment. Was the reading any good?
More appropriate posts in the future! When? Hell if I know, because I'm writing this post all in one sitting! I know damn well that if I try to make up some deadline here it'll be ignored and/or I'll fail to meet it, so instead, I'm going to make a vague written promise. If I could make a pinky promise online—can I?—it would make this a tad extra serious.
I'm still alive, still world-building, and most of all, I'm still dreaming! Let's hope that this post is a sign of clearer skies. Will it be? I have no idea, and I don't wish to jinx myself, but let us hope for the best.
Go Go Gadget, Post!
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